The Change

The Change

--an interlude to Human Holding Place--

--- The 90’s----

I am lying on a flat lightly padded medical bench EKG Machine - I have had a flu and my strength has been sapped out of my body - in the five days off all I have done is lay down - my body weight is down to 129 - haven't been that skinny for a long time.

My doctor at the time is good looking, charming, middle aged and concerned..even though he is only 15 years older then me he calls me my son....he now was as serious as a heart attack. . not used to that from him.

I stubbornly been thinking I have had a bad flu for the last mont or more - I would work then save all of my energy for sleep. -- I was not looking good.

The EKG machine shows my resting heart rate. An average rate is 75 to 100 - Its 110 and I have been still on the doctors table. - Any sustained heart rate beyond 100 is dangerous. That rate is my resting rate. I have a physical job.

The doc is insistent that I go the emergency room. - I am 29 and my mortality is kicking me in the ass. - It has to be a thyroid condition.

The doc’s in the ER may have well been less then useless - they don’t know why the beta blockers are not working - they end up prescribing me a drug pronounced vermapadel - when i go back to my regular doc he tells me to take aspirin with it because it has the tendency to help cause strokes.



Great.


The drug does nothing for me - my regular doc takes a blood test - presto - I have elevated levels of thyroid hormone - the thyroid is the carburetor of the body - it takes the electrical impulses of the brain and regulates the hearts speed. Too much and the body burns off everything it eats - eventually the body starts cannibalizing it self in a quest to provide for the heart.
HMO -

I finally get to a specialist - the office is an unassuming place in Burbank. The doc is 50 something with decades of experience. I raise my hands - he takes 2 minutes to diagnose me - its Graves Disease. Hyperthyroidism. The problem with the Beta blockers is that the e-room doc’s did not also prescribe extra thyroid medication. I needed an increased dose to have the blocker medication stop it. Two prescriptions later I am out with an appointment to the department of radioactive medicine at the hospital.


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The department had a star trek vibe. In the corner was a darkened room with a machine the would encircle the human body and LED screen with an incomprehensible amount of data flowing. Dr Winson had a genteel, old school feel about him.
He felt my lower neck . -

nurse

yes

minimal dose - we won’t need too much -

right - the nurse leads me to a chair that look exactly like a high school desk complete with the side table

The nurse goes to a bright white room and puts on a an inhumanly large pair of gloves - then without missing a beat she rotates a dial on a safe and pulls it open

the nurse opens the safe and yanks a pair of tongs (a metal claw like tool) then uses it to grab onto a gray metal oval shaped thing..

the nurse places the oval on the chair - and then flips the oval open and steps quickly aside

a gray pill is in the center

‘Now take the pill and have some water with it”

--pass?? - i think in the back of my mind

I take the pill. - radioactive salt

That it? -

Yes it is.

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three months later

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I wake up - place pressure on my leg a shooting pain hits the upper thigh with a sharp pain.

What the hell?

After a days work my knees are very sore - this never happened before - I decide to weigh myself

165

My top weight ever in my life was 145 - with protein powder and lifting free weights. It was a deep struggle to get my bean pole body to even hint at muscle. Now 165??

I take a closer look at my legs - the thighs are huge - at least for me - I have gained all over my body.

The days go by - my hair thins out, my hands and feet are cold often and have dry skin, my skin so bad that it only started to clear 2 - 3 years ago - now its completely cleared up. - It become harder to do aerobic activity - it take a bit of effort for my hear and lungs to get moving

--my brain once so quick I had trouble speaking out loud everything I was perceiving was now slower - more deliberate. Perception itself was now attuned to a slower rhythm.

My persona become lees sarcastic, eccentric and more compassion based - and I was feeling my job hit this body hard - I was tired at night.

Back at the doc’s

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Looks OK - the levels are where they should be - your taking your pills?

Yes - I’m not use to this weight

Well 145 was underweight for your hight - cholesterol is 220 - his voice becomes directive-- I want that down below 200 before I see you again--

I also am getting pains I did not have

Welcome to your 30’s my son


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179

I know I have got to get a new job.

I need a desk job - some cubical where I can get fat but save my knees.

It was then I was noticed by Marcy - she was in her early 20’s and was slightly off kilter - used greeting like Salutations!! - thick, ambitious she was definitely eyeing me - 20 going on 16 - I was not in the mood but it was ego boosting.

Then Rosa flirted with me - she was just broke up with the bf and was stretching her filtering muscles - she was good looking and a bit zany but her filtering had deeper undertones that I discounted.

I was not putting any of this together - why now? - I was never noticed at any level by the women in the workplace - I was more of a peer and I accepted that with a resigned punctured aptitude -

Then the resident married born again Christina opened her eyes my way - hugs and looks and notation. I walk in one time and Raul states aloud what everyone knows - she likes me.

I shrug.

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Hydrothyroid effects the heart and internal organs - it makes one more venerable to the eye site issues and skin problems. It lowers the sex drive and can cause problems with mental focus. Its easy treatable and the drugs are cheap but it must be kept an eye on -

But the side effects have had a physical trade off not noted on the books - I can gain muscle - my arms and chest now have substance in physical form - If I keep lifting I can actually have a portion of the body I have thought was inaccessible and unobtainable. The extra pounds give a fleshiness to the face.

The personality changes - what was hyper insecure and obnoxious is a lot mellower and measured - and distance
But the changes hit me so fast... in less then a year the universe reassigned me a new body and personality. Psychologically I have yet to fully understand and assimilate what happened to me - immaturely enough I have resentment that now the opposite sex is paying some attention - I was the same as I was before - the same weaknesses the same bullshit the same -- but slightly different packaging


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The decade of desks jobs I have means I have a pot belly and slouching posture.
At times I think this is just a phase that one day everything i used to be in my teens/20 will be given back to me -
upon reflection -


I know it won’t