The Width of a Circle

The Width of a Circle

1996 - Van Nuys

Well why don’t you go? - she said. - I didn't want to... she was 19 - I was 27.

We where laying on her bed her black hair fell over her Semitic facial features, puffy cheeks and lightly tanned skin, she was emotionally intense, prone to giggles and had a low-ish pitch voice. Supple, awakening to her passions (I guess with my help) and cheeky. Me - I was 40 pounds lighter with a shock of hair that I kept short and 27 going on 16 insofar as relationships where concerned.

I -- I did not know what a visit from me would achieve and I did not not have the emotional vocabulary to voice it.. I mean I know what it would try to achieve - a human connection to a group of friends that wanted her back within the circle -

Something I knew was not possible in one sense yet the subtext was clear - in the lest I could say hello, and that may noted.
A kiss - a hello to the GF parents who were coming in - and I was off. --- It was in the car I - - fell into a dream of 87.

1987 - Silverlake

She was living with a 30 something and going to film classes she hung out with the industrial arty types - I liked her but I kept my distance. I had no experience with women on any level outside sibling or friend; we were both the same age - and by that time she had burnt though many an extra short term relationship.

I had perceived joking with her though out the semester was just a part of the buddy - buddy jocularity of being friends in a mixed group - red haired - freckled - and charismatic but --pretty --in a spiritual sense. - After the semester ended I resigned myself to bittersweet friendship (for me) that I would cut off by simply not calling or contacting her - perfect!

& doomed.

--A few days after the final year ending semester screening I received a phone call from her - she drove over - In the next two weeks it would be a rabbits hole -- with no context or experience she would burn though me as the other man of the hour - i was a mess of feelings that I had no context for - At once wanting not to be other man and yet looking to get my operators license in sexual poetry, also her drug additions have been in slight check by a combination of new age treatments and buddhist discipline put me on/off/on...

It would end - all of it-- quickly --thank the gods -- but in mid week I remember a day at the park next to Silverlake before the Dog park - no one was there and a sunset fell over us both - musing and laughing and wondering where our childhoods went and why so fast - how she still can use the park swing and wondering where and why and who cares ---two bodies and breath and hand on breast I drank deeply of her - freckled skin and a sunset that could portend then end of life and all things and all ...and we wouldn't care.

The future did arrive


2005 - Santa Monica

Where are you? - crisp and clear the wind blew in late afternoon - GF was hanging with her Navaho tribal girlfriends at a Korean Bar- B- Q.

Soviet Monica - had to get out. Near Hi Di Ho...

Make sure you get Top Ten II and see if they have Love and Rockets and see if they have Optic Nerve. She said...glad I able to do something useful.

Ya - guess who called?

Who?

Alot -

What’s up?- You never call her.

She calls twice a year, just wanted to say - hi - she’s engaged. Wants to know how you are doing..
Your in the hood - arnt you going to say hi? Well why don’t you?

......OK - coffee ..got a strange feeling about this ,,,,

1998 - Echo Park

I had a feeling I was being used in a sense.... tired.

I am not so feminine .... but the coster ride was making me sick.

I bent her over - she had her first orgasm in this position with me and this time it would be the last one I would help coax our of her body.


1996 - North Hollywood

In the car I looked upon 87 - after the two weeks we where in the same loose circle of acquaintances she flew off the handle and fell into a mad dance of new , new ,dark new then she started sparking then shooting then ..........she fell
Annie tried to help -- (never mess with a lesbian native american) but it was a minor years reprieve. No word from her to anyone.. for a year and a half...phone calls and a note - she’d like to see me, just for a bit..

Cold .. even for North Hollywood this was slummy... rehab with decor by Sybil Brand.. street parked then walked in.
didn't recognize her - white skin where there was sheen - lines on her face before her time --youth but burnt --unfiltered camel in her hand.

Kenny ! - this sucks - BF just got out of jail he’s going to be here..you have not changed at ALL.. eyes downcast .and she took a seat.... you didn’t do to yourself . pause..

I sat and looked at a stranger who did me a good turn for two weeks. A person who had all the potential in the universe and used it to push the ecstasy of life up up up till gravity took brutal hold. Said hello then she picked herself up and then the BF was showered with her full, worshipful submission authority --

I exited stage left hoping to never return -- I never saw her again.

I could not help - we could not help.


2005 - Culver City

A ring at the door and she came out.. nice if a few pounds heavier.

Hello Ken-- Voice as nice as ever - if slightly groggy. slightly awkward hug. How is Laura? Have you married her yet?

No rush. -- off to the coffee shop

Any kids? - I always wanted kids. R and I have always wanted kids.

No - not really - R sounds like a good guy

You would like him. I can totally see you hanging out together.

Why not? You are so patient with them - -------

It goes on like this for a while. She thanked me for all of the doors I opened. I ask her how she met R. In a ward. Drug therapy - her passions were diagnosed as bipolar.

Legal drugs to keep her down - legal drugs to cover her up - as if emotions, passions, vibrancy life life - its been learned to be a medical condition that needs to be kept in check.....age and some karmic adjustment would do just as well - the meds are just expedients - too much all the time every time you burn but without the vibrancy - I kept all of these thoughts inside.

I took her back to the apartment thanked her

......................

Coda

How is she?

OK ----- hugz!?