Birthday Blog

I am resigned, hopeful, de energized wistful, in pain, in love and out of a large amount of lust, realizing what I wanted was bullshit but I got inane way , wondering what the hell was I so repressed as a twenty , wishing I was wasted, wanted more, not having, joining when I suck, trying every single day to suck a bit less, wondering when the back pain will go away, realizing it wont, looking down from the room I rent to the next-door show-biz guy who rented out his newly nice home to an actor and realizing I am on the wrong side of the fence, fucked up, fearless, need to call person X and say hello but his gay friend tried too hard to hit up on me, I am slouching, biting shooting and damming

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuck fuck fuck/..... .

I recall a conservation I was imported on , Bob ( the non closeted bi married father, a Nam vet with a smile that is not haunted) and Rosa ( the late 40 something single women so precise that everything, I fucking mean everything is clean) had a pleasant conversation about orchids and then it hit me -------- is this where middle age is, the sad funny thing is , it is and in a non ironic way as well , the ones who don’t have pleasant talks in middle age rant about the genius of ...whomever --- is this where the fucking train stops??!!!or worse where the popsters go (and i love them) haunted by the gods making little pyramids to honor the larger ones who where made by the giants of the past,,,, aaarargg

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recall a time five or so years ago - I was completely wasted at a party Adam Marsland was putting on ... there was a blond that was sitting on the sofa across from me when pretty blonds would hang out at these things any way ...she was sitting next to Anne a brunette and she wanted help.....real fucking answers about love, endurance and does everything with relationships end in embers and Anne was reluctant to give her take with lived in answers

(slight fear in her eyes and uncertainty in her voice) “ I don’t know if I am a person who should give advice”

me - just before Annies reluctant pleading - fucked up drunk - in my head was thinking “”dammmshescuteI wiuldliketo do her buti dontknowwhatIamfuckingdrungkwhotheothwerwomen”” swieg “”whatamIgonnado”

wait

she is sincerely asking for guidance and the other women anti-ego is getting in the way --fuck does she see that she was asked sincerely and that is the time to give your take --

something pop’s in my head and I talk, loudly with authority in my voice and vision hit straight at Annie
“You have something to offer - Experience! Never doubt the value of what you lived!” - angrily but concisely a miracle considering I was seriously fucked up

Annie blinked at me - she looked mildly stunned - in Buddhist terms I was trying to mover her beyond her lesser ego by breaking the cycle of self pity (shaka translated literally is hand axe - the whole term is Chinese characters that have a literal meaning of hand axe human base-animal in circle - meaning the person is acting in a debased way and the object is the sever - sometimes quite painfully the attachment one has with their negative cycle)

Annie blinked and turned her head - she said to the blond women - “I think that its just not realistic to have a lifelong marriage with life spans now at................

me - inside my head - “ thats all thats needed - just a connection with someone so we know, we fucking know that we are not just living in this life by ourselves but someone can shear off our loneliness and , just talk” - they squeezed hands in friendship

about then a couple of guys walk drift in - one of them was 40 something, sandy hair, a couple lines one his face, weather-beaten gl. pushing his confident agenda onto the two women trying to have a heart to heart

In an imperious voice the blond said - aloud - I want all of the men here - out right now...

They mulled it over and drifted away -- I stood up (was i not a part of the offending gender? ) but the two franticly gestured as i stood up that they wanted me to stay put..

I sat down (as drunk as I was It made sense) and i was punched inside - was I not a threat

I felt punctured.