Human Holding place Part 1

Human Holding place Part 1


It was a fiasco from the word go, a spiraling mess that would kill anyone who was around it--- The Millennium Celebration that the city of Los Angeles would put on was doomed to be a political cluster-fuck that would swirl into a forgotten oblivion. The city department the was responsible for putting it on was also the one I was working for as a part time IT support tech.

Two days before 01/01/2000 I took Laura and hijinx it to Las Vegas. The Nevada cold and my Aunts pull out bed could not put a damper on my mood as I was glad to be away from the train wreak that would have expected my presence if I was not in town.

Several blue Margarita's at New York New York, and the haze of new years 2000 was inauspiciously over.

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- a month later -


You see her -- she’s the type that would be all over that -- Rikk made facial features that mimicked precisely a women joyfully receiving a shot of jizz - circling his face around an mimicked mythical phallus - all done in a quick aside outside the notice of a gathering of late middle aged (mostly) politically correct civil servants in the late Clinton era - an artful, impudent aside that only a very young man could do in the company of other man and not induce eyeball rolling. I gave my trademark “thats not right” done with enough infliction that cued him in on the fact that he was very right. --- Rikk was a 1040 part timer like myself, his discipline was handing and displaying of museum pieces - a discipline that required a great amount of physical self awareness - he also was young enough to be right.


The her he referred to was a African american woman not yet 23 across the other side of the room - a strange combination of youth and non youth. She held a mini court with a flirty smily manner that was charming anyone within her immediate radius. Dressed with a clothing level that subtly said “Westside” she had none of the pretension and dismissive air of a typical Westsider. - slang name - Charm girl.


I would have a slice of cake and say hi.


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The office gossip flew, the millennium fiasco would cause fallout. The embarrassed mayor accepted the resignation of our department head. Charm girl was very close the the boss - almost family. -- a UCLA student. Eyeing acting aspirations -- boyfriend or as close of a relationship one could have in collage - wealthy to a point.

As a post 30 something in an LTR -- I kept my thoughts to myself. With her background and her stage in life - I may as well been an alien.

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So can it be fixed?

- yes - all it needs is more memory

How much?

It may not be worth it --

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How do you sort this ?

Here let me show you

use this box to get to this command

uh hun

then use this

--and then create the equation - got it.

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Walking the the development office I was dropping off a monitor.

Hi - smile.

You look tired.

I am

Looking at her cubical I saw she was doing her homework - it was advanced algebra equations.
You like math?

Nahh - but I’m good at it.


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Smart, attractive, charming and she acted as if she liked me or was definitely not above flirting with me. Classy but earthy at times. I felt a reality distortion field was hitting me - I never was on anyones radar that had that combination - I shrugged it off as best i could rationalizing that being a flirt with the IT guy was always good policy.


I always held a context for myself - I was not that attractive (not realizing the a combination of working out and a thyroid condition age added weight and cleared up most of my skin problems that plagued me for decades within two years) meaning in my 20s i never developed a self image that I could be seen a sexual by others - with my solitary nature and compounding the fact that i looked very asian male - a minority group that has major issues when it come to sexual attractiveness - very little experience -- I needed to construct a group of beliefs that framed my desire - who was reachable and why - and who was not and why


The vast majority of women fell into group two - most of them acted in a way that reaffirmed my beliefs. This one seem to take everything I though I knew about my eros-self and reversed it.


How much was I just reading into something that was not there because I wanted it to be - all of it I determined. In this post Sexual Harassment office culture she needed to be nice - add on her natural charm and my cluelessness and it was just a feeling to wash over me.



My mental state underneath was kicking into overdrive.




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